This life

Every day I wake up hes there, the man in my head, evry day for years now iv lived in pain, manipulation, loss, and sadness, why? When I was growing up I never saw life this way, I never thought that I would live like this, I thought I would have a house, a job, a wife, a family. I aam 30 years old, and I havent been with a woman in 4 years, I havent had any friends iether, every single day for me is a new manipulative torturously designed caticomb of tears, why? I dont understand why I cant just live my life happy without pain. I onceq knew love or at least I thought I did but that love is long gone now, and it seems all those who surround me including my family equally strive to aid in my distruction. I would love to love a woman, I love woman very much, everything about them in fact sometimes even when they lie, but its because of these people that I am afraid I might not ever love a woman, I might not ever know what it is like to have a family, friends, a home, a job, to me my happiness is in a pill or pills, powder, drink, whatever it may bethat dulls my reality away from the fact that I have nothing and it is of a surrity that I will become nothing is what I have. I dont beleive that they will ever stop, all I want is piece, soon I know I will die, I cant live in a life were everything falls apart over and over and over again. I want to go fare fare fare away from all the hurt, all the pain, all the really mean people who have made this life so cold, so nothing, and see something beutifull, and know that I am free, but that place is so fare away that I dont even think it exists, and im left to ponder if there is in fact a hell, and if I were to kill myself would I go there? One day, in some time, or some place, ill be someone else maybe, and in that time and place I am quite sure of the possibility that I could be happy, but for this life, whats left of it anyway, all my smiles come from a pill, and every single day of my life is misery.im sure that the last thing I see will be the ceiling of a motel room, all alone still. My only hope can be that maybe, just maybe when I do die... I wont be alone.

To many drugs

You ever think someone was following you? Or someone in your house? Or someone listining on the phone? Or someone checking your e-mail? Maybe even think thatbyour family and friends were againstbyou somehow? Well I have and its been most of my life. Amazing once I decided to try being sober that all those things started to dissapear. In my life I have manufactured more problems in my mind than anyone in real life could really endure and now that I am trieng my leval best to stay sober I realize that most of all of my problems stim from using drugs. The craziest thing that I notice though however is that unless I put my head on straight I am all ready to use the same drugs that caused me to be all messed up in the first place at first chance. Why is that, I mean if it caused our lives to be unmanagable why in hell are we so ready to go right back to not knowing whats goin on? Insanity man, the definition of addiction is insanity in that we do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, I know I am quazi-sober now and im doin good in school, and im feeling good about myself, and my future, however remember I said quazi-sober, why is it I cant just sober up, insanity man

My live as an addicted man

I wrote this twice before for some reason it keeps getting erased out of here. Iv been using drugs since I was 12 years old and my drug of choice was of corse amphetamines. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have never taken mmy first pill. Amphetamine sulfate has left me in such a state mentaly emotionaly and physicaly that, its really a difficult task to ya know be me. Addiction is weird ya know, the definition of addiction by many is insanity the reasoning for this of corse is due to the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again expexting different results. Funny how many times iv gottin myself so waisted and then after its all said and done iv said no more just to turn around and do it over again. However in addiction we justify, we justify just about everything but we learn that from justifying our use. It could be raining and we would say "im goin to get drunk today because its wet outside". We do this with our loved ones aswell. I question myself at times does true love actually exist in addiction, I mean I know that I love or at least I think I do, if so eone hurts I want to console them, if someone is sad I want to make them happy, if someone needs something I want to help them to strive to get it; allas however my addiction at times causes me to neglect these things. I am a human being so I wish to be loved and I want it to be for real I mean for real for real but in order for that to be I have to do likewise. Like I said earlier in addiction we justify everything, like when we need a drug or a drink and our life just dosent seem to be goin just the way we want it to we forget all about all those times we spent crying missing our loved ones, we forget about all the joy we have had by there side and we forget about all the help they have givin us in the past and we rchoose to say well, she wont miss this couple dollars, or she wont miss this or she wont miss that, we dont ever think of what we are doing to our relationships with the people we love. So I am left with the question, if in fact I am an addict am I doomed to a life of never really being trusted or never really being loved? I believe that the answer would lie soley within myself and my actions for that. Time heals evrything is what my mother taught me, I know that in many ways it has healed me, so I suppose I will close with the hope of my loved ones forgivness, and the prayer that the lord will help me to remember the ills that have befallen me in my past due to my addiction, so that I can be someone  today that is worth at least calling a man...