I wrote this twice before for some reason it keeps getting erased out of here. Iv been using drugs since I was 12 years old and my drug of choice was of corse amphetamines. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have never taken mmy first pill. Amphetamine sulfate has left me in such a state mentaly emotionaly and physicaly that, its really a difficult task to ya know be me. Addiction is weird ya know, the definition of addiction by many is insanity the reasoning for this of corse is due to the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again expexting different results. Funny how many times iv gottin myself so waisted and then after its all said and done iv said no more just to turn around and do it over again. However in addiction we justify, we justify just about everything but we learn that from justifying our use. It could be raining and we would say "im goin to get drunk today because its wet outside". We do this with our loved ones aswell. I question myself at times does true love actually exist in addiction, I mean I know that I love or at least I think I do, if so eone hurts I want to console them, if someone is sad I want to make them happy, if someone needs something I want to help them to strive to get it; allas however my addiction at times causes me to neglect these things. I am a human being so I wish to be loved and I want it to be for real I mean for real for real but in order for that to be I have to do likewise. Like I said earlier in addiction we justify everything, like when we need a drug or a drink and our life just dosent seem to be goin just the way we want it to we forget all about all those times we spent crying missing our loved ones, we forget about all the joy we have had by there side and we forget about all the help they have givin us in the past and we rchoose to say well, she wont miss this couple dollars, or she wont miss this or she wont miss that, we dont ever think of what we are doing to our relationships with the people we love. So I am left with the question, if in fact I am an addict am I doomed to a life of never really being trusted or never really being loved? I believe that the answer would lie soley within myself and my actions for that. Time heals evrything is what my mother taught me, I know that in many ways it has healed me, so I suppose I will close with the hope of my loved ones forgivness, and the prayer that the lord will help me to remember the ills that have befallen me in my past due to my addiction, so that I can be someone today that is worth at least calling a man...
