This life

Every day I wake up hes there, the man in my head, evry day for years now iv lived in pain, manipulation, loss, and sadness, why? When I was growing up I never saw life this way, I never thought that I would live like this, I thought I would have a house, a job, a wife, a family. I aam 30 years old, and I havent been with a woman in 4 years, I havent had any friends iether, every single day for me is a new manipulative torturously designed caticomb of tears, why? I dont understand why I cant just live my life happy without pain. I onceq knew love or at least I thought I did but that love is long gone now, and it seems all those who surround me including my family equally strive to aid in my distruction. I would love to love a woman, I love woman very much, everything about them in fact sometimes even when they lie, but its because of these people that I am afraid I might not ever love a woman, I might not ever know what it is like to have a family, friends, a home, a job, to me my happiness is in a pill or pills, powder, drink, whatever it may bethat dulls my reality away from the fact that I have nothing and it is of a surrity that I will become nothing is what I have. I dont beleive that they will ever stop, all I want is piece, soon I know I will die, I cant live in a life were everything falls apart over and over and over again. I want to go fare fare fare away from all the hurt, all the pain, all the really mean people who have made this life so cold, so nothing, and see something beutifull, and know that I am free, but that place is so fare away that I dont even think it exists, and im left to ponder if there is in fact a hell, and if I were to kill myself would I go there? One day, in some time, or some place, ill be someone else maybe, and in that time and place I am quite sure of the possibility that I could be happy, but for this life, whats left of it anyway, all my smiles come from a pill, and every single day of my life is misery.im sure that the last thing I see will be the ceiling of a motel room, all alone still. My only hope can be that maybe, just maybe when I do die... I wont be alone.